Look at me, little man
Can you tell who I am?
I’ve only got five minutes to make you understand:

On the back of this M.A.S.H., secrets you and I have—
Concrete proof I’m your future come back to my past

Got a joy? Dive on in, but you can’t always win
You should learn to know when to press on or give in

You can't max out on friends—now it's easy, in the end
You'll be happy you had all of this time to know them…

But some of your favorite people are actually assholes
And some of your sidekicks are gonna turn out to be tools
(that doesn't mean it was a waste of time)

Don’t be afraid, you’ve got somethin’ to say, and it's cool
Cuz it’s never as bad as you think

Was this just here in the band room the whole time?!
Well, I’m glad you get to play with it. [plays melodica]
Actually, you wanna try? Here, watch me…okay, your turn.
[Little Man riffs unrealistically in a difficult key with no rehearsal]
Whah…Okay!

Grown-ups, too, got it rough
They all got their own stuff—
There's not many that'll tell you just a quarter of enough

And history, to our chagrin
Leaves a bunch of garbage in—
You should fill in all the blanks: take my faded Howard Zinn…

Spend some more time tryin’ to climb to the top of your family tree—
The branches don’t grow back when they fall to the ground

Don’t be afraid, you’ve got somethin’ to say, and as a rule
It’s never as bad as you think.

And nobody will complain
When you read your books and change your name…
Don’t forget to catch your breath
And take some bets, it just gets better…

But don’t be surprised when
Some of the funniest people are actually assholes (fuck you, Adam Carolla)
And some of your childhood enemies are actually cool

Make somethin’ more out of all of these Saturday black holes
And keep the line open for old folk (You’ve gotta hold that line)
As long as you can

Don’t be afraid of the plans that you made,
Make every move like you’ve nothin’ to prove,
Breathe it all in, and when you see me again,
I’ll be you—but new and improved

Oop! I gotta go! I think I got most of it…uh…

Oh yeah, don't take German, man, please take Spanish, it's so much more practical.

In a few years you're gonna think you've got such a clever idea for your final project in Sociology—don't do it, it's not good, it's terrible. You'll know what I mean.

While you have the chance, go out for a musical! You're friends with some of those kids anyway, you can kinda sing, and I know you love it. Nobody cares what you look like, I promise. I super regret not doing it.

Um, invest in Apple, or Google, but when that pays off, that's to keep you and your family comfortable— the rest is for people who need it more than you. Strangers, not politicians. You don't need to be extravagantly rich. Wealth hoarders are a scourge on society. Read that book I gave you, bye!!